


Falling deep, but coming back up to breathe

by Vizuci



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Adopted Eren Yeager, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Caring Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Dead Carla Yeager, Dead Grisha Yeager, Depressed Eren Yeager, Eventual Levi/Eren Yeager, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Eren Yeager, Precious Eren Yeager, Self-Harm, Shame, Slow Build, Tags May Change, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Warnings May Change, short fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-07
Updated: 2017-10-17
Packaged: 2019-01-09 23:54:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12286890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vizuci/pseuds/Vizuci
Summary: Eren knew it was all pointless. Maybe if he hadn't...They would still be here.





	1. Attempt

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings of self-harm and this is probably going to be a really short fic  
> Unless I'm encouraged to continue :^(

As far as I was concerned, when my parents died, I was shortly adopted by the Ackerman family. When I went into the family, I didn’t expect much. I was only 12 and still grieving over my parents' death. They just picked me up and took me to their home. The ones who lived in their rundown house were Kenny Ackerman and Levi. Strangely enough, even though the house on the outside looked like it was falling apart, the insides were clean and looked good enough that it wasn’t dying on the inside. During the time when Kenny drove me there, he only told me to stay out of his business. Levi just grumbled in annoyance, “You better keep everything clean.” I didn’t bother to give many thoughts of either of the two orders and headed to the room that Kenny pointed at. The room I was given was empty only with a twin sized bed next to the wall and a wooden desk nearby it. The walls were a plain white color yet everything wasn’t as dusty as I thought it would be. In a way, I felt like I knew this room my entire life, it was empty like me.

The Ackermans certainly wasn’t an open family. Kenny was gone almost every night, sometimes coming into the house smelling like drugs and the strong stink of alcohol. Levi didn’t look bothered at all by Kenny’s action and I was almost sure that Levi may have one time joined Kenny on such travels. Except when one time I inquired him about it, the male just gave me a disgusted look as if he couldn’t believe I was suggesting that he hang out with Kenny and scowled harder at me before turning to go back into his room. After that, I concluded that the Ackermans were just weird.

Whenever I talked, I sounded like I was disappearing putting my friends off and they tried to cheer me up. Although their attempts to cheer me up didn’t faze me at all. And in the end, they gave up and shortly after that, they stopped hanging out with me altogether. I didn’t blame them. I wouldn’t want to be around myself either. But I’m all I have left.

I had never entered the idea of self-harming myself; It was stupid to me and it’s not like I counted myself as one of those kids who cut for attention. However, the sharp piece of broken glass illuminated from the sunlight as if tempting me to do it. Slowly, I picked up the blade, not sure what I was doing besides attempting to fill the empty hole in my chest as I knew that this was a bad idea; that this was stupid. When I sliced the skin on my collarbone, I can’t help but felt like a small weight have been lifted off my chest; I almost felt delirious questioning why I didn’t do this sooner. I tried to injure more of my tanned skin on my chest, wanting to feel more of its’ weight of me, but by then I was fading into unconsciousness. And the last thing I saw was a silhouette nearby me, knowing anyone with that short stature in the house.

Levi.


	2. Realization

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aftermath of last chapter

I think that fate has it against me. First letting Levi saw me hurting myself which was, by the way, a complete embarrassment on my part, and waking up to see someone pacing in my bedroom. The person hearing the blankets move as I rubbed my eyes to see them, yelled at me, “What do you think you were doing?!” 

I winced at the scream. Not knowing what to say until I remembered the previous event that happened. Recognizing it was Levi, I blankly stared at him before weary saying, “I don’t know.” Levi looked disheveled, his hair was all over the place as if he had been scratching and pulling it for hours. His expression softened at my words before returning back to his normal scowl that I knew I was in for whatever dumb lecture he was about to speak of. But he had stopped pacing around the room and only told me as if he wasn't up for anything else I planned, “I don’t care what you do, but trying to harm yourself is the last thing, anyone needs.” 

At that he left, leaving me to feel ashamed for my actions and I quickly decided that I shouldn’t try to self-harm again. It led me nowhere besides a moment of shame and the small moment of euphoria. I touched my chest to feel the evidence of the glass and it was still there. I softly sighed at that, tracing the small scars of it behind the bandages, and feeling of stitches. At least I knew it was all real and then I began crying, not sure of what. Maybe my parents’ death, maybe my friends' abandonment, and once I started, I can’t stop. 

_I’m not in a dream. None of this ever was._


	3. Fake Reassurance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so like the chapters are probably going to be very short- Might get longer later on since I don't even know where to take this too

I curled my body, holding it into a tight ball as if to run away from everything, and by then my eyes closed. I wished that it would never open again.

* * *

Unfurling my body as I stretched my legs and arms under the fluffy blankets while wanting to close my eyes again. The blankets did little to no comfort to the heavy weight in my heart. Everything seems to be slipping away from me. I stared down my big and ugly hands, it was no wonder why they can’t hold anything close. What else will I have left? Abruptly, I clench my hands into a fist until I felt blood drawing at my nails and I lie back down on my bed, pulling the covers over me. Hiding my head under the covers, I sighed. _You’re okay. You’re fine._ And I fall back to the darkness engulfing me in its fake embrace.


	4. School and Reminisce

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter o3o Hope I will update some more ,_, and thanks to my editor for kindly helping me edit this

I wasn’t sure which was worse: school or off days. Throwing the thought away, I breathe in the freshness of the air and listened to the rain pummel the earth gently. I hoped that the rain would wash me away with it, and with that, I will disappear from this world.

The sound of rain was all I could hear as I walked to a building unrelated to me even though I’ve been there for years. Entering the stony and faraway building, I sensed dread in the corners of the hallway, threatening to beat me down and mock me. As I saw my friends, bile rose in my throat like thorns stuck on a rose. I hurried past them with hope that they hadn’t seen me, although I couldn’t help but be jealous at the sight of their smiles. _Why can’t I be like that?_

With an erratic heartbeat and useless legs with a ragged breath, I finally looked up. Scanning my surroundings I saw that I was already in my class. Throughout the class, the teacher’s rambled nothing but rubbish. Looking at the scenery outside of the window, I felt an overwhelming peace settling over me. The pouring from the clouds has yet to stop, and the world outside was colored in shades of grey with lonely cars passing each on the road. The trees near the school entrance looked like skeletons with brittle bones, waiting to be reborn into something new and loved.

Closing my eyes, the teacher’s incessant voice became nothing but static as reality soon slipped into distant memories. The white noise soon melded into something reminiscent in my mind; the familiar crackling hum of father’s TV took hold of my senses, along with the scent of fragrant lavender. Mother’s golden dress swam vaguely within my vision, along with the sunflower that clung at the very end of her gown. I remember the day we left the antique shop, with father warning me sternly about handling the aged television with care, and mother’s giggling dancing in the air at my exasperation. With the sun starting to set within my memories, I faintly remember my parents’ smiles and their eyes gleaming with happiness; absolutely everything felt right in the world that day. However, I was suddenly drawn away from the golden sunset as someone tapped me on the shoulder. No longer did I feel the warm dusk, but rather the dreary and biting cold of reality.


	5. Rain and Clothes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally updated and next chapter might come soon   
> Sorry if this chapter sucks, plot is from some standpoint   
> Next chapter may have Levi appearing again

I glanced up at whoever tapped me on my shoulder, realizing it was my teacher, Ms. Rico. She sighed with her hands nursing her head telling me, “Class is over,”  giving me a weary look, “You have to leave.” 

I stared at her, allowing the silence to overwhelm us hanging my head down as I hurried to go somewhere else. With nothing but an ache in my brittle heart, I considered skipping my next class. Coming to a decision, I mumbled to myself, “Let’s leave.” Numbed from the shadow that hung over my heart, it throbbed like it knew what was wrong with me, yet I disregarded it. 

Walking out in the freezing rain, I didn’t try to shelter from the rain. By then, my thoughts start sinking into the depths of my mind while I acted in a one-man play. Embracing the warmth seeping into me, my sense of touch dulled by the rain’s raw touch. Reaching the house, I was greeted with silence; isolated quietness which hangs over the house as if it wanted to hide.

Knowing that my clothes were soaked, I think of the garbage from outside, soon to be delivered away so it won't stink the environment. My clothes clung to me as if reaffirming that I was still here; still breathing and alive. Without a moment’s notice, the thought ate at my heart, guilt filling me up, and I realized that I am not free; I’m forever trapped. My throat had clogged itself with the urge to wail, unable to breathe, and my eyes desperately burned on the inside desiring to end everything. 

In hate, I forcefully shoved all of it down, telling myself furiously to be strong, that I was better than the tears. Sick of everything, I headed to the bathroom to clean myself, knowing that once I finish, my tears will come back to haunt me with memories I desperately want to erase. 


End file.
